How to let go of one's infertility identity?
Many women report not knowing how to embrace pregnancy, or to transition from years of living in the uncertainty of infertility, reproductive losses, and longing for a child, to becoming a mom. During pregnancy, there are often two paths: feeling ambivalent or detached from the pregnancy, or transferring the anxiety feelings from fertility treatments to anxiety of something going wrong with the pregnancy or child. It can feel surreal to move from the intensity of the RE focus on treatment cycles and becoming and staying pregnant, to the more passive OBGYN and pediatrician experiences.
Post-birth, many women are thrilled to become a mom, but complex feelings may arise. How wonderful to finally be part of the motherhood club, yet familiarity with the previous infertility identity and associated thoughts, feelings and behaviors make it difficult to leave that way of being behind. Some experience loss of support from moving onto a different path from friends with whom they bonded during fertility treatment. Others may experience a birth trauma or difficult postpartum adjustment, which can heighten complex feelings through the maternal identity change.
It can be challenging when partners and family quickly accept this identity, and forget about the complex emotions of the previous fertility journey. Yet, for someone who has gone through this journey, infertility may always be a part of them. It’s hard let go of something painful that has defined you for so long. Thoughts of the long TTC journey may resurface during the first few years of parenting. That's part of the healing. It is only with time that you can integrate the previous parts of your identity into new ways of being, and become more confident in the new mother role.
Resolve has some great resources to help with this transition.