At some point every child will ask a parent the big question, ‘Where did I come from?’ This standard inquiry becomes more complex when the child asking was conceived through third-party reproduction. Many parents experience anticipatory anxiety over these conversations; however, it is natural for donor conceived kids (like all kids) to be curious about their origins.
Research has shown that openness strengthens the parent-child bond, and how and when you tell your child has great impact on their identity development. Remember this is a lifelong conversation. It is essential to be open with your child, explore feelings and support their search for answers. Sharing from an early age allows children to progressively learn more about their family story, become comfortable with their origins, and develop a strong identity.
How can you prepare?
Start early. Before even choosing a donor, begin thinking about what it means to be a donor conceived person over the lifespan: as a child, teen and adult. Imagine what you would like to know if you were a donor conceived individual. Learn about donor conceived individual’s experiences. Consider what connected you to the particular donor(s) to help build your family. Your gratitude for their help. How you felt when you found out you were pregnant. How you felt seeing your child at birth. What it means to be a family. That you considered their experience and support them in understanding about their origins. That you understand that their experience will be different than yours. Start talking to your child during pregnancy and infancy so that when your child is old enough to understand basic concepts a bit more, you will feel more confident. The more comfortable you are with talking about your family story, the more comfortable your child will feel.