Third-Party Family Building and Donor Conceived Individuals
How We Came to Be a Family / Who am I?
All families are built on love, trust, openness and connection regardless of genetic link. Parents of donor conceived children may want to talk openly with children about their origins and genetic health history, but don’t know what to say or when to best share this information. The lack of true donor anonymity in the modern age through direct to consumer DNA testing, social media searching, and facial recognition technology, may increase the complexity of these conversations with your child.
Feelings around sharing this information evolve as you move from donor selection and IVF through pregnancy, and moreso when your child is here and has become an essential part of your life. Single mothers and same-sex parents report more confidence around disclosure, however heterosexual couples may find this meaningful interaction to be anxiety provoking. It is not just a one time conversation, but a lifetime of being open, curious and connected with your child.
Through current research, we know that many parents have a strong desire for their child to have positive feelings around their origins, and to know their genetic and medical history. We know that children often become interested in knowing about the genetic donor and connecting with genetic siblings linked to the donor. Donor sibling registries have made extended kinship family relationships possible from an early age. We also know that children who learn the nature of their conception early on, and who have integrated the story of how their family came to be into their identity at a young age, experience more positive psychological well-being, hold a stronger sense of self, and feel more positive about family relationships.
It is helpful for parents to think about donor conception from the child’s perspective. Imagine being a donor conceived person, and what that may mean at various life stages. The child’s experiences, thoughts and feelings, and ultimately the meaning of how they came to be a person in this world will differ from their parents. It will change as they grow and mature and understand more about genetics and donor conception over time as a child or adolescent, and later as an adult and a parent themselves. It will change as they want to know more about their medical history and how that impacts their health.
Third-party family building is a lifelong, multi-generational process with many links. There are complex identity, emotional and relational pieces that continually evolve for each person involved: 1) the donor conceived person, their parents raising them, their future children; 2) genetic siblings linked to the same donor, the siblings’ parents raising them, the siblings’ future children; 3) the donor, the donor’s current or future children, and the donor’s parents, siblings, and extended family.
Get Support. Family building encompasses specialized training in reproductive mental health, and knowledge of reproductive medicine, genetic counseling, bioethics and reproductive law. I work with individuals and couples who are building their family through third-party reproduction, and with donor-conceived young adults.
Link to related article: The Challenges of Donor Anonymity
Resources
Donor Conceived Community
https://donorconceivedcommunity.org/
Donor Conception Network
www.dcnetwork.org
Donor Sibling Registry
www.donorsiblingregistry.com
US Donor Conceived Council
https://www.usdcc.org/
Books for Parents:
Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms, Susan Golombok
Finding Our Families, Wendy Kramer and Naomi Cahn
Random Families: Genetic Strangers, Sperm Donor Siblings and the Creation of New Kin, Rosanna Hertz and Margaret Nelson
Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates: Answering Questions & Building Strong Families, Diane Ehrensaft
Mixed Blessings: Building a Family With and Without Donor Help, Olivia Montuschi
Telling and Talking Booklets from Donor Conception Network
Books for Young Children:
Happy Together, Julie Marie (egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, same sex parenting, single mother by choice, and GC surrogacy versions)
You Were Made for Me, Sheri Sturniolo (embryo donation)
The Very Kind Koala: A Surrogacy Story for Children, Kimberly Kluger-Bell
I've Got Dibs: A Donor Sibling Story, Amy Dorfman
The Family Book, Todd Parr
Families Can, Dan Saks
Love Makes a Family, Sophie Beer
Resources for Donor-Conceived Individuals:
We Are Donor Conceived
https://www.wearedonorconceived.comU.S. Donor Conceived Council
https://www.usdcc.org/Facebook group: Donor Conceived People, Siblings, Donors, Parents
Podcasts: You Look Like Me
Book for adolescents: The Other F Word by Natasha Friend